still-ed

by another of God's amazing creation

It’s decided

I shall be leaving this blog and starting over at another.

It’s been a good five years – time to move on. This blog ‘The Lilies of the Field’ began when I was still in school. It contains many thoughts and memories that have long been left behind. I am in a very different season of life, on a path of renewed hope. I have a very special someone whom I would love to walk this journey with. In a way, this move seeks to honour him.

You may say that since he loves me for who I am, then the past captured in this blog should have no hold over us. While it’s true that the past is what makes me truly me, and is relevant to my life as much as the present is, I think there is no meaning in staying just to prove a point. However, I also feel there is no need for its contents to be deleted, so this blog shall remain, as long as WordPress does.

To those who have been following this blog, and those who have left comments and words of encouragement, I truly appreciate you. Thank you.

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intentional

I might be abandoning this blog.

Or perhaps, deleting the content altogether and starting over.

I’m inclined towards the latter.

On a brighter note, I received the CD in the office mail today and it came with an encouraging note of thanks. It really made my day, and probably the week.

like, finally

I’ve updated my About page.

Minor changes actually, just changes to the job description. Why did it take me so long? Plain inertia. But yes, it’s finally done.

I met with Amelia for a chat last night. She picked me and we drove over to Foo House. It’s been slightly more than a year since she got married, and being in a situation almost like how hers was, I wanted to hear her take on it.

We spoke about engagement, preparing for marriage, crossing over to another church, building a new community, picking up new hobbies, planning the wedding, managing finances, and seeking God’s will and purpose in all these.

Again, the book ‘Sacred Marriage’ was mentioned. This is the third time in a year. I’m thinking it’s probably time I got a copy of that.

to-do

My first week back in the office has been pleasant. Pleasant, because while I feel great about being back in the office and excited to start the day each day, I do realise at the end of the day that the office is still a corporate environment.

There were the upbeat moments of mooncake tasting, Lelong Lelong, and the going out to attend media launches. But I have also come to learn of how some staff left (or rather, were asked to leave) and am again exposed to the reality of workplace politics.

This is perhaps yet again another plus point to working from home. But that’s a topic that I would discuss another day.

For now, there are tons of things on my mind that I need to get sorted:

1. Make Thank You cards (deadline: Sun night, so that I can give them to the bosses on Monday) 0% done

2. Complete Photogenie photo book (deadline: 31 Aug, that’s tomorrow! I can always get it done later but we wouldn’t want to miss out on the discount, would we?) 10% done

3. Write a short story of 800 words for a short-story fiction collection competition (deadline: 2 Sept) 0% done

4. Write a literary non-fiction piece of 2000-5000 words for an Open Call for Submission (deadline: 30 Sept) 0% done

Looking at the dates, I need to get the first three done by Sunday night. Which sounds highly impossible…

Because it’s almost midnight now. Because I am attending an autism training course from 9am to 5pm tomorrow. And because I’m on keyboard duty on Sunday morning, which means I need time to practise as well. And because after church in the morning, I’ve got a class of eight kids to teach, and I am left with only Sunday night. Well…

I think I may have to forgo item #2.

best friends

I have been seeing a particular person for about seven months now, and last Sunday after we had dinner and was hanging out by the poolside at my place, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

In my earlier entries, way back in 2011, this particular person was referred to as Rim. I mentioned him then because of certain interesting conversations that we had. We were colleagues then, and took the same company-provided transport to and fro once every week.

We got to know each other well and even after he left the company, we kept in touch and sometimes met up for a meal. I appreciated him for being my constant source of encouragement, and he said that he liked that I was brutally honest with my comments about his faults while remaining constructive.

It wasn’t all rosy though, I suppose it’s because the deeper the relationship, even if it was just a friendship then, the more differences would surface. We had times where we argued, mostly over a lack of sensitivity on my part (seems like some sort of role reversal here), and we went through rough patches where we basically pulled away and did not speak to each other.

And then, exactly a year ago, he expressed his feelings for me. It was 19 August 2012, a Sunday, and also the first day of Hari Raya Puasa. Since it was a public holiday, I did not have to teach and so he and I attended the 5pm service at St. Andrew’s Cathedral. Thereafter, he sent me home. At some time after 9pm, I received a text message from him saying that he was still at my neighbourhood and wished to speak with me in person. Surprised and curious, I went to meet him and after talking for a bit, he finally said what he had meant to say.

My response wasn’t what he was hoping for but I promised him that I’d think about it.

One month after that night, following one lunch date and one dinner date, things took a turn. Rim slipped into busyness and we didn’t talk for the next three months.

I found myself missing him at times, but I wasn’t sure of my feelings. There were other people in the picture at this point and since I was either busy with work or distracted elsewhere, I easily disregarded the anger I was bearing towards him for disappearing.

But when my mom was diagnosed with a critical illness during this period, the feeling of abandonment was hard to ignore.

With that, many misunderstandings and quarrels ensued when we began talking again in January. It was only through God’s grace that we managed to work it out, because there’s no other way to explain how much I still trusted him despite all that happened. And he came to accept that I had the right and reason to seek support and comfort in another guy because he simply just wasn’t around during my time of need.

Falling in love with him was a much gradual one. It didn’t catch me up in a whirlwind of emotions, but I knew that I was very much dependent and attracted to him emotionally.

He has shown me what it is to be filled with hope, to leave all matters in the hands of our Heavenly Father and to jealously guard what He has given us. He has shown me patience, forgiveness and love.

He is someone I have always been comfortable around, someone whom I can talk about anything with. He is someone who isn’t afraid of my little anxious outbursts and the occasional outpouring of tears, someone who instead loves me for them and is able to handle them as they come along.

He is someone I can have long walks with, someone I can talk with for hours, and someone whom I can go to with prayer requests and for support. He has unknowingly become my best friend through our moments together.

So when he asked, my answer was yes.

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